And in the naked light I saw...

A strange thought banged about my head for quite a while today. While meditating on the cosmic consciousness this morning, I was feeling quite detached (as is generally the case unless I'm very disturbed), and got to the point where I was floating far enough to make the earth appear small as a football. And yet, while everything else was left down there, I simply couldn't detach myself from two small bundles of white energy, which, it turned out, were Sara and Tyger.

I tried, quite hard, but I could simply not let them go. Was it, I wondered as I came out of it, because I am the only one on the planet on whom they can depend for survival? And then, with a flash of blinding light, came the thought, "Would Siddharth have abandoned Rahula to go in search of enlightenment, had he not felt confident that Yashodhara would be there to bring him up?"

In the parikrama of the school that followed, this thought echoed repeatedly. Several years ago, in a TIE production called "The Prince Who Gave Up the Throne", I played the role of Yashodhara. Actually, I was cast in that role by my colleagues due, perhaps, to the ease with which I could evoke emotional memory on stage - in this case, it was waking up to find her partner gone, then meeting Channa (the charioteer) who had brought back all the royal clothes and, heartrendingly, the prince's beautiful locks of hair. The scroll which, in short, said that he had left and explained why he had to go, would be explained by the audience to Yashodhara in each show through still images.

In retrospect, it amazes me that the question that bombarded me this morning, never presented itself throughout the whole time we devised and performed the play. Somehow, in focusing on the feelings of abandonment and hopelessness as the character, the perspective of the parent did not intrude! Certainly, not only did Yashodhara not feel inadequate as a single parent, she also, according to reports, did a brilliant job of bringing up little Rahula. This was a given, taken for granted. Especially since she was a strong-willed, independent-minded, socially-conscious woman.

And yet, as it happened often in earlier times, what if there had been no Yashodhara? Women died more often then during childbirth or soon after.

What would Siddharth have done? Would he still have left home to seek enlightenment?

As a single parent, my life does completely revolve around my children. Everything I do is directly related to either their present or their possible future careers. And recently, some thoughts of my own retirement have come into focus - not to be burden on them financially, as also to be able to provide a place they can come home to.

Sometimes, when my life and what I am doing here makes no sense - and there are deep, deep longings to do something more meaningful - I force my focus back onto my children. It keeps me going till the next blip or blop. I know, as surely as the fact that the sun will set tonight and rise again tomorrow morning, that I have to do this for them. And now the new thoughts about life post retirement... Where earlier I had had some vague plan of getting to an ashram, or finding a meaningful NGO that was doing what I really want to do...

Hats off to parents who do this without any disturbance throughout their lives. But this morning the ultimate "selfless" act of giving up the kingdom to seek enlightenment, suddenly seemed like one that would not have been possible without feeling reassured that someone would look after his offspring.

This email was sent by my friend and colleague, Abhimanyu, in response to my post. He couldn’t post it as a comment as the Net was too slow (how I empathize!!!). I am adding it here as it is truly worthy of being seen by anyone who goes through feeling useless and indispensable (alternately) with boring regularity…

I can only try and understand your situation and can never realise what you go through. However, I feel that there is no need to seek enlightenment outside daily life! That is what the Buddha taught towards the end of his life. He clarified that right action in daily life can truly enlighten you! So look for enlightenment in your children and the thought processes that chain you or free you with regards to them. I am sure you do find bliss when you wake up Sara from her slumber in the morning or observe Tyger rapt in attention observing a puppy! Don’t search outside when you have the universal consciousness truly residing in your home! Seek not so far what is right where you are... remember The Alchemist?? God Bless! Prayers from my heart for the happiness of the three of you! Abhi